remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
