I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
