I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
