I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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