No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
