I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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