im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
