dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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