My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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