Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
