his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize