he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
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