Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
