So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
