I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
