You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
