Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
