Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize