i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
