If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
