Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
