Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
