I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize