He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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