it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
