i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
