I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
