I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
