i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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