i think my tv is drunk
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
