I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize