I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
