i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
