Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
