somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
