Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
