Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
