My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
