White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
