You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
