You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize