so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
