Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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