those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize