I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
