well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
