Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
