if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
