I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
