I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
