I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
