Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
