Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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