My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
