A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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