I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
